With the announcement today of President Trump and the First Lady testing positive for COVID-19, social media is on fire, especially Twitter.
From the jokes to the conspiracy theories, nothing is quite like what you are about to read.
I came across the following series of tweets from Twitter user Dr. Death Metal.
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All these predictions and conspiracy theories I’m seeing on here are weak as piss. Here’s a REAL conspiracy theory.
Trump’s health declines. CNN feverishly pumps out the headlines: He’s on a respirator. He’s intubated. He’s in a coma. Finally… he’s dead. They use a font bigger and redder than they’ve ever used before.
Liberals are rejoicing. They’re having little parties (on Zoom, of course, because there’s still a pandemic going on and they’re responsible people). Biden is a shoe-in because no one cares about Mike Pence, because he’s a dork.
Meanwhile, Trumpers are despondent. Rending their garments, wailing and gnashing teeth, building altars around their MAGA hats. They surround them with their most powerful ceramic firefighters – like the one carrying baby Jesus out of the twin towers on 9/11.
Three days later, the White House calls an emergency press conference. All the stations tune in. It’s just an empty podium.
Suddenly, a figure emerges. It’s Trump, in a long white robe, a sash that has dollar signs on it for some reason, and the stigmata. It’s poorly applied, like a b-movie makeup artist did it.
Conservatives across the country begin weeping with joy. Some spontaneously begin masturbating.
Liberals look on, extremely confused, furious, and embarrassed, given their Zoom parties. They made cute, themed hors d’oeuvres for nothing. Nothing!
Trump announces that he has risen from the grave. Hope Hicks doubts him. He tells her to put her fingers into his wounds. She does. One peels off, as it was purchased at the Halloween pop-up store next to Party City. The camera quickly cuts away.
CNN and MSNBC reporters point out the painfully obvious charade. Rachel Maddow claims she has the receipts from Halloween-o-Rama, to be released at 8PM EST. Trump calls them fake news.
The masturbating conservatives cum on their firefighters.
Trump miraculously appoints Amy Coney Barrett to the Supreme Court. They rule 6-3 that Trump is King of Kings (scathing dissent from Sonia Sotomayor).
In the weeks that follow, evangelical zealots begin roaming the streets, murdering at will. Trump erects a giant golden statue of himself on the National Mall. He confirms that he is the second coming of Christ.
Democrats encourage folks to get out and vote!
Love’s Truck Stop announces new design for ceramic figure featuring Trump-Christ hugging Jesus. Pre-sales sell out in minutes.
Actual Jesus Christ descends from his throne in heaven (held up by 9/11 firefighters) and looks down on the state of the world. He shakes his head. He momentarily considers smiting everyone with a giant meteor.
But he doesn’t.
Because we absolutely deserve this.
Jesus resumes scouring eBay for the new Love’s ceramic figure.
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About Dr. Death Metal
Mike LaRocco, aka Dr. Death Metal, is a professor and heavy metal researcher. He makes music as The Unshored and plays guitar in Sallah, the world’s greatest Indiana Jones inspired black metal band.
Follow Mike on Twitter @TheUnshored.